The narrative leading upto the transfer window was the usual media guff about player departures and the now painfully boring jokes about our loan deals, however the first piece of business was the excellent permanent acquisition of wing schemer Aiden McGeady from Moscow. Not a man to be light in his praise, Martinez unsurprisingly described the deal as ‘an unbelievable moment’ for the club and player.
The Scotland born wideman’s key attributes are as a dribbler and particularly as a creator of goals; in the 3 seasons which preceded his move to Russia he created 50 goals for teammates at Celtic, but this figure dropped to 29 in four seasons in Moscow. McGeady’s time under Trappatoni for Ireland and the setup at Moscow has improved his defensive and positional awareness and fostered a more professional approach in terms of preparation, training and tactics. The deal improves our increasingly limited options in the forward 4 positions and he could cover right midfield allowing Mirallas to be played through the middle or play off Lukaku enabling Barkley to drop into a deeeper role, or in the pivot, if you speak bell-end.
In terms of concerns, his heading, crossing and tackling could all be better although its his mental frailty which perhaps raises the most question marks. A dressing room row with Gordan Strachan, a six game ban for vollying a dressing room door and more recently being suspended from training for not complying with instructions in training and matches culminated in advice from his previous employers to seek out a psychologist.
For me, McGeady’s signature represents a low risk capture for the club and the acquisition of a decent if albeit patchy performer. His ability to commit fullbacks 1v1 is the key attraction for Martinez along with his ‘arrogance’ in the final third but there are flaws, namely this suspect mentality and a question mark over his ability to deliver consistently in a competitive league.
The rise of the idiots was well under way at Sky where flagship ball bag Jim White had amazingly been given his own transfer show where he interviews a variety of awful humans about transfers that will never happen. Amongst his esteemed guests include ex palace owner Simon Jordan – comical owner of the UK’s last remaining highlighted centre part – who comically used the show as partridge style forum to insist that he ‘had the last laugh’ on <insert name of unscrupulous owner/agent>.
Back to transfers that happened, and food trough extractor Steve Bruce swooped to take fan favourite and serial goal shy striker Nikica Jelavic to Hull in a deal which meant we had somehow recouped £40m for last season’s physical but empty headed forward line of Fellaini, Anichebe & Jelavic.
Another striker who used to score goals, the dangerously dense Jermaine Defoe, was also on the move as he ‘closed in’ on a move to Toronto by greeting his new fan base with the classic welcome of ‘I’m made up to be in America innit’. Going back to Jelavic, whilst a fan fave and initially a hit the Balkan bomber has regressed spectacularly since 2013 and has been dreadful for a long time now. Many theories have been put forward for Jelavic’s descent into woe, ranging from poor service to psychological problems, but the crux of the matter is that he simply couldn’t get it up anymore. Crucially, his honest back to goal battering ram style was just too functional for the brown brogue sophistication advocated by the new world under Martinez which emphasises movement, comfort in possession and crucially the ability to commit defenders as key requisites in the final third. That said, nobody could fault his application and he provided some great times.
With one in and one out, attention turned to a short term replacement for Arouna Kone. ‘Media outlets’ including the Guardian broke the news that Everton were sweet on goal shy Trinidadian forward Kenwyne Jones. The knee jerk social media reaction was of fury, ala Gibson, Barry etc. Jones isn’t this bad really but his approach has always been a tad too laid back to really make a decent fist of his career. The striker was eventually sent to Cardiff in exchange for morally repugnant transfer window favourite Peter Odemwingie – and will probably score 3 in his first 6 games then disappear without trace.
Horse-loving cock-tip amputee Dharmesh Sheth and the gimp that sky employ despite having suffered a violent stroke which forces him to talk slower than a Stoke counter attack reported that ‘Big Sam’ was looking to save his position as the world’s 13th highest paid manager by signing man mountain Ivorian Lacina Traore. The left footed forward has bagged 58 goals and 22 assists in a 152 game career to date although has a reputation as something of a hot head. Just as the forward was preparing to sign on the dotted line at subhuman scum bros Gold and Sullivan’s east london den of iniquity, the striker was whisked up to L4 quicker than Fat Sam could demolish a little chef olympic breakfast. The deal did actually take a bit longer than that but as rotund scriber Alan Nixon from the Mirror would testify, you should never let truth get in the way of a good story. More on that cat later.
Traore, our new ‘hitman’ is known as a one man attack and his back catalogue of goals seem a mix of six yard box tap ins and driving runs through rubbish defenders. Positionally, he can dribble and play as a deeper forward potentially behind Lukaku or instead of him or on the left of a forward three. When looking at his youtube montage there was more than a whiff of those Jo ‘the happy clapper’ videos we all swallowed a few years back. With Lukaku completely out of sorts of late, Traore provides some serious competition for the number 9 spot and if he can get back to the level he was at a couple of years ago it’ll be good business.
It is a bit of a longshot though and the fact he is injured makes it all a bit meh. Aside from being injured and not very good in the air for somewhere taller than Peter Crouch *flashback to Sean Flynn out jumping Brett Angell* there is also the mental bundle of a player acclimatizing and being able to hit the ground running. Last season he was sent off in a Europa League for diving and took an early bath three times in two seasons in Romania. His disciplinary record, with 24 yellow cards already, is hardly impressive and in his last six games for Anzhi he contributed no goals or assists but totted up 3 bookings. That said, with Lukaku out of form and now out of the picture due to injury, the outcome of the season could hinge on this loan being a fruitful one.
Arguably the best business was done with existing players. With kenwrong carrying the can on twitter after the disappointing recent results, it emerged that Baines had signed a new deal and that young Barkley was also ‘close’ to tying down a new deal. All this despite Baines earlier ‘demanding man United move’ according to Wallace at the Independent and Beech over at the Mirror.
Flip flopping turd worm Nixon and Mirror football in particular took a shellacking in this window. After their golden goose story regurgitated over 3 years to take Baines to United went awry, they then incorrectly revealed we had ‘swooped’ for Valencia midfielder Canalas – another non starter – and haphazardly speculated that we were ready to sell Coleman for Joe Allen money.
Brian Beard from Sport Direct News also revealed Jagielka was going to the Theatre of Screams and Deulofeu was also supposedly crossing the park to Liverpool via fellow purveyor of human excrement Caught Offside. Just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse, James Robson from the MEN trumped them all by revealing Moyes was ready to blow £50m on Barkley – a player who he didn’t see fit to consider in the last 2 years at Goodison.
Jim White and his sky shitehawks reported the news that former really cool turned figure of ridicule Davey Moyes was set to make the biggest move of the deadline. The ‘ledge’ presenter ambitiously predicted that bringing in Juan Mata would ‘ be sure to set off a chain reaction in the market”. Errrrm, it didn’t.
The transfer frenzy certainly didn’t involve Liverpool who ended the window two men down after Johnson and the sit sniffing weasel faced colon biscuit Lucas succumbed to longish layoffs. They also missed out on Basle winger Salah, who moved south to Chelsea- with John Aldridge blaming this one on the interference of both Howard Webb and also Mourinho for trying to sabotage their title tilt. Bruce Grobellar meanwhile blamed the National Front. The club who have spent the most money since the inception of the premier league continued their quest for ‘da champyans leeeeg’ by trying to sign a long named £20m Russian winger but the deal crumbled. If the deal had gone through then presumably he would have been the new Ronaldo, or Anthony Le Tallac if you’re Chris Bascombe.
On the subject of ‘da reds’ probably the most comical transfer that didn’t happen involved one of their ex players as race hate enthusiasts Lazio courted race hate gesticulator Nicolas Anelka – a player renowned for his low moral fibre. If ever a match was made in hell it was this one.
‘Any movement today arry?’
Arch phony Jonny Heitinga, very much from the Paul Ince school of manufactured hardmen, finally buggered off as the deadline drew close. Heitinga’s chances of getting in the first team looked bleaker than a setting from The Bridge and word must have finally got to him that Christian Benteke had checked in at the malmaison prompting the utility man to finally leave- to Fulham on a free – in a deal which funded the purchase of a Czech youth keeper even the footy manager cats hadn’t heard of. Mario Suarez – a defensive midfielder with a good range of passing and an equally iffy disciplinary record – was mooted as a later arrival as were a couple of other unknown forwards but the word coming out of the club was that Martinez would rather save his coin for the summer
We know already that Martinez only looks at windows ‘one at a time’ and generally by bringing in older players on shorter deals it’s fair to question the longevity of his transfer strategy. What he has skilfully done though is engineer a different tactic to cracking the ‘glass ceiling’ by augmenting an already solid squad with some great individual flair in the final third. Improving on previous league finishes was probably unlikely by pursuing the previous regimes approach in the market. After all, nobody improves by repeating the same experiences. I guess only time will tell if it’s for the good of the club long term. Given the mad money being spunked on utter guff its potentially a shrewd move for various reasons but principally because the quality isn’t available at the moment.It also means that kenwrong will take the bullet from the fans should the current dip in form continue.
As the window drew to a close throbbing retard barrel Jim White and the gang of media fuck sticks led by prime mail meff Neil Ashton circled QPR’s training ground once more in the faint hope that Arry spoon feeds them some final scoops of diarrhoea, but it wasn’t to be. And that’s basically the end of this long winded and frankly unnecessary review of cyber media nonsense.In the end even White’s elephant man Harry Redknapp couldn’t save him as his big transfer window blockbuster sank without trace.