The Top 20 Pundit / Cliche Dead Certs of EURO 2012

1. Alan Hansen will have never heard of Bundesliga winner and Borussia Dortmund top scorer Robert Lewandowski …’Luwon…Lewand…Lewansomethin or other has got a good touch for a big man’ *Shearer sniggers in background*

2. Clive Tyldsley will pronounce Xavi to be a ‘quarterback’

3. Colin Murray will be a bell whiff.

4. Alaistar Mann will refer to Everton defender Phil Jagielka as ‘Jajj-jeelka’ on the highlights programme.

5. Arry Redknapp will call at least one player a ‘triffic laaaaayd’

6. Hansen will try and gain favour with Seedorf by laughing, pointing and shouting something very loudly at him like you would do to a deaf geriatric relative

7. The monumental ball sack Robbie Savage will be controversial for the sake of it.

8. Jamie Carragher will say ‘ya know’ 46 times in the first weekend of the tournament.

9. Peter Reid will deliver his canned content line of ‘you need to keep the ball better at international level’ as England slip out of the tournament at the ¼ final stage

10. Alan Shearer will mention how organised the German’s are…and (with no African sides in the tournament) Hansen will lament how disorganised sides from eastern Europe are.

11. Alan Hansen will have never heard of Denmark’s Ajax dynamo Christian Eriksen

12. Roy Keane will make snide comments about poor players whilst conveniently glossing over the fact that he paid £5m for the worst player in the entire tournament Paul McShane

13. Alan Shearer will be generally confused by whats going on around him and his complete lack of any research and total ignorance of any football outside of the Premier League will be met with laughter by his fellow pundits.

14. Lawro will mince around in the background with his rastapaedic hairdo and barn dance clobber.

15. Dan Walker will be incredibly boring and resort to comments about confectionary before the group stage is over

16. Alan Hansen will mention ‘kamikaze’ defending at the earliest opportunity. Lee Dixon will nod.

17. Adrian Childs will continue to be an utter candle…but will be outdone by the consistently number one melt Garth Crooks.

18. Arry Redknapp will announce at half time of any England game that Scott Scottie Parker always gives 110% to the cause.

19. Martin Keown will continue to look and sound like he should be commentating on Six Nations Rugby.

20. Alan Hansen will have never heard of Dzagoev.

 

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