David Moyes has been informed by supremo Bill Kenwright he has no money to spend in the January transfer window and is planning on using this to persuade £12 million rated Dutch whiz kid Ricky van Wolfswinkel to join Everton. Moyes is also keen to get round the table with 33 year old striker John Carew in a bid to address his ageing forward line. Moyes is also keen on bringing in Darren Gibson to overcrowd the one position he is top heavy in, with a cool £2m bid for the central midfielder likely to convince Old Trafford bigwigs to part company with their worst player. Jack Rodwell has 1 assist in 2 seasons and has emerged as Alec Ferguson’s number one target to remedy the lack of creativity in his midfield engine room although its been reported the founder of the transfer window Harry Redknapp is also keen to affirm his position as the EPL’s numero ‘one’ wheeler dealer by making a £2m profit on a player he signed as a world beater and has turned into a bench warming spare part in the space of 12 months. The South African skipper Pienaar is attracting the attention of Martin O’Neill who is keen to add the pint sized midfielder to his long ball revolution at Sunderland and he will reportedly use Kieron Richardson as bait in his quest to clinch the deal given Spurs lack of left midfielders. One man who is definitely perhaps on his way out of the Stadium of Light is wantaway forward Stephanie Sessegnon who is being courted by Kenny Dalglish. Dalglish was unaware of the former PSG forward and any other player who has not played in the Premier League prior to his move to English football but now sees him as the man to fill the boots of star striker Luis Suarez who has been suspended for being a racist.
‘King’ Kenny Dalglish’s Liverpool are also keen to test Chelsea’s resolve by looking to supplement the £35m shire horse Andy Carroll with a shock loan scoop for former idol but now figure of hate and ridicule ‘Nando’ Torres in a 2 heads are better than one policy, masterminded by £2m per year scouting supremo Damian Commoli. Tony Pulis is also in the market for a non scoring forward and is said to be casting his net at retired ogre Carston Janker to supplement the lack of height in his strike force at Stoke. Didier Drogba and Frank Lampard could be on the way out of Chelsea as LA Galaxy look to bolster their squad with more ageing mercenaries with the enthralling David Beckham tug of war with PSG reaching its climax. One player who is definitely staying put is rebranded bohemian Joey Barton. The midfielder was the subject of a transfer chase in the summer when he sensationally snubbed Champions League football at Arsenal and Manchester United to sign for relegation haunted QPR. The tough tweeting media node has stringently denied talk that he is ready to join the revolution at Eastlands by returning to his former club and it is thought that a new 6 year contract will keep him at Loftus Road for another 5 months. Newcastle’s search for a striker could see them swoop for Blackburn defender Chris Samba. The Geordies new transfer strategy aims to only invest in younger players with resale value, hence the 28 year old, £15m rated former Hertha Berlin star Samba seems an ideal signature for the cash tight Mike Ashley regime. The Toon are also keen to explore the possibility of signing highly rated Ashley Williams from Swansea, in an £8m lucrative transfer which could see Nile Ranger going the other way.
Various media sources are also linking former footballer Wayne Bridge with a shock switch to Arsenal. The modern day Francis Benali is seen by City’s Arab Tycoon’s as financial parity for the £80m City have donated to the Emirates mortgage shortfall in recent years. The Gunners are also looking for brain cells for injured midfielder Jack Wilshere, who recently lost his existing cells during an intensive PS3 game-off with fellow pro Jonathan Fortune, the player who founded the EPL tattoo sleeve in 1997. Meanwhile, at QPR Neil Warnock is in the market for anybody who has played Premier League football in the last decade whilst Andriy Arshavin and Dinyar Bilyaledtinov are both shite but nobody are interested despite Rubin Kazan being on the verge of signing any Russian player not currently playing in Russia. Steve Kean’s Blackburn are looking to boost their injury hit squad with the £2m purchase of injury jinxed striker Andy Johnson in a deal which could expediate the bald headed figure of hate’s departure from the Ewood hot seat. Phil Brown has strongly denied reports that he is ready to fill the Ewood Park hotseat should Steve Kean be forced out by Venky’s. Brown, who owns an England shirt with his own name and number on the back, has been dismissed from his last 2 posts for being utter shite, but is keen to get involved in an ‘exciting project’.
In the Championship, Doncaster are looking to sign anybody in Willie McKay’s Blackberry and Big Sam Allardyce is keeping tabs on every 6ft 4 inch centre back in either the UK or Senegal.
Stay tuned for more inane transfer rumours as the month progresses in what promises to be the most exciting transfer window yet.