From those funsters in the Sky Studios to the perennial drivel trotted out by Adrian Childs and the gang at ITV, here are my top 25 football clichés /boring phrases explained into actual meanings….
25. “The best form of defence is attack”
No it isn’t, the best form of defence is defence.
24. “If a Brazilian had done that we’d be raving about it”
But he didn’t, so shut up.
23. “Up an’ at em”
Put the opposition’s best player in hospital
22. “Beckham’s quarterback pass”
Unnecessary long ball
21. “He doesn’t like coming for crosses”
Hes a dodgy foreign type.
20. “Atmospheric old stadium”
Dilapidated shit box
19.“Big Sam is a modern thinking manager, one of the first to embrace prozone”
Big Sam is a cynical bastard who uses technology to target weakness
18.“Old fashioned target man”
Inept 6ft yard dog
17.“Phil Brown’s teams get in the faces of opposition”
Phil Brown is a tactically inept moron
This mythical person doesn’t fucking exist.
15.“The foreign lads don’t fit in with our culture”
He doesn’t like Nandos or 20 lager sessions and he’d rather play chess.
14.“Relegation six pointer”
Relegation 3 pointer
13.“He needs to get more involved in the game”
He needs to maim someone and get sent off in the process
12.“End to end stuff”
Neither team can maintain possession. They’re basically both shite.
11.“This game needs a goal”
This game is utter shite.
10.“Setting out their stall”
They’re negative shysters who have come for a 0-0
9.“Typical strikers tackle”
Hes a dirty arl bastard.
8.“Hes lost the dressing room”
His players are a bunch of gobshites who treat him like shit.
7.“worst possible start” ( following an early goal)
It isn’t. A double sending off, 3 goals conceded, a riot and a natural disaster would constitute a worse start.
6.“It was a game of two halves”
As opposed to a game of 3 halves?
5.“Harry Redknapp is a great wheeler dealer”
Harry Redknapp is a no good, dodgy dealing corrupt bastard.
4. “He loves the physical side of the game”
He is a thug.
3.“Hes single minded”
Hes an ignorant twat
2. “Our new striker has got great movement off the ball”
He couldn’t score in a brothel.
1.“Good touch for a big man”
Our striker is a big lanky heap of dog shit. He can just about trap a bag of cement.